That's right bitches

My grandfather played basketball against the Harlem Globetrotters. Owned tangerine groves. Played football at Texas Tech. Hates Alex Trebek.

My father shook John F. Kennedy's hand and has private photos of the Hussein Palaces. Builds elaborate shit, demolishes those hard trick puzzles. Works on a desolate Russian island.

My aunt dated Vince Neil, the lead singer from Motley Crue; was also stabbed 60 times in a drug deal gone wrong and died.

My uncle had a heart transplant and a year later drove off a cliff on his motorcycle. He won a top prize at a prestigious auto show for his MINT condition 63 Corvette that took him 15 years to restore. His daughter died a few years earlier of a life long illness.

I played Little League Baseball against the sons of a World Heavyweight Champion and a Heisman Trophy Winner.

I won my Fantasy Basketball League this season, drafting Chris Paul with the 13th pick while losing Yao Ming to injury. I also have Edison Volquez in my baseball league.

My car gets over 40 miles per gallon on the highway.

My fireproof safe holds a the fossil of primate skull millions of years old, a pre-columbian hand ax and a Tiger Woods rookie card that sold for 100K.

My neighbor was Chelsea Clinton's "first boyfriend" in the late nineties.

My best friend's dad hung out with Tim Leary's son in Boston in the sixties and tells stories about keeping monkeys as pets in Vietnam. Hates Brown University.

I pay less than $500 a month to live in the second most expensive city in America.

Can drive a golf ball 300 yards.

Been skiing in the north and south hemisphere.

Been tear gassed.

Smoked at least 700 packs of cigarettes.

My brother probably hates you. So does his cat.

My top 10 dreams are ranked by memorability.

My last name is a bad word within the current Bush administration.

I answer phone calls for one of the NBA's 50 Greatest players most days of the week.